list of six places I pretend I would like to visit when I would honestly rather go to a Sandals resort in the Caribbean:

1. Nepal/Tibet – Sounds really Zen and hip to say you want to visit either. Why I would hate it: Well, technically, Maoist rebels and the Chinese government make visiting both countries dangerous, if not impossible, but more importantly – really? A day-long plane ride and then almost unavoidable elevation sickness? As exciting as having my own sherpa would be, no thanks.

2. Anywhere in South America – First of all, did you see that movie with Meg Ryan and Russell Crowe? (OK, probably not.) It is an uncontested fact that guerrillas are waiting to kidnap you in every square foot of South America . Plus, chicks in Brazil have access to cheap plastic surgery, while I have access to cheap Ding Dongs.

3. Washington, D.C. – The history, the significance, the throbbing political pulse of Capitol Hill. Every American should visit once, like pilgrims to the Mecca of democracy. In reality, a giant Abe and a phallic ode to the first president are no match for cabana boys and white sands. I'll be staying away (at least until I can visit the White House when it's inhabited by a president who can pronounce disarmament).

4. China – Everyone's jumping on the imminent-future-super power China bandwagon right now, and it's full of gorgeous temples, thriving metropolises, and varying landscapes. You know what else it's full of? People whose average height is six inches shorter than me. I can visit the grade school down the street if I feel like playing giant.

5. India – I have an ardent belief that cows are on this planet to provide us tasty cheeseburgers. I just don't think I would get along with a culture of people who disagree. Albeit on a dateless Saturday night, I sometimes wonder if there might be something to that whole arranged marriage thing.

6. Disney World – Why must I pretend I would like to visit Disney World? Because if the Disney spies hear you doubting The Disney, you get carted away by men in mouse ears to a place far worse than Guantanamo Bay. A place where “It's a Small World” plays on a continuous loop and they use scalpels to adhere a smile permanently to your face. I have it on good authority that there is an unmarked building on the outskirts of Orlando , the insides of which closely resemble something straight out of 1984.

Disney World is not the happiest place on Earth; it's one arm of a megacorporation that has succeeded in creatively lobotomizing generations of Americans. Too harsh? OK, you stand in that three-hour line for Space Mountain and tell me you don't feel like you're queuing for bread in a communist country controlled by the cheer police. There's a reason EuroDisney is a failure – Europeans have better taste.

Still don't believe Disney is just one big Maytag set on “brainwash”? Two words: Johnny Depp. They got Johnny fucking Depp, man.