esearch is designed to answer questions that exist in the world. My question was simple: Which musical pursuit holds the competitive advantage – playing chords and notes with a physical guitar or honing the art of airness with an air guitar? Around this central issue, I developed an ad hoc research protocol to survey individuals on which method of guitaring would be best incorporated into daily life. Which would prevail – matter-based instruments constructed of wood and string or invisible instruments constructed of sound and movement? Based on statistically insignificant evidence gathered in a manner breaching all standards of survey design, I contend that the air guitar is the preferable alternative to the long-standing trend of physical, “there” guitars.

I randomly sampled a cross-section of individuals, ranging in age from 12 to 57, while taking shelter in a small hut during a tropical downpour in Panama . Initially, the survey was put in the field with a voluntary participation caveat, but with 0% survey completion, responses became mandatory. Participation in the “Air Guitar vs. There Guitar” survey was carefully considered by each individual despite desperate thoughts of malaria-carrying mosquitoes, lack of running water, and the depleted supply of rum. No confidentiality of any kind was promised. No consent forms were signed or verbal consent given. However, there existed an unspoken acceptance of the fact that all quotes would be grossly misinterpreted in order to support the preformed conclusions of the research. Given these conditions, the question of response bias is moot. (Note: Ten members of my family and I survived two weeks on a remote island in Panama during the tail end of the rainy season. Clean water was scarce, bugs were plenty, tensions ran high, and rum was drunk straight from the bottle.)

Air Guitar 9, There Guitar 1

There Guitar – 1
Edgar, a legal Puerto Rican immigrant and self-made man, voiced his preference for the “there” guitar. “Playing a real instrument in a garage band allows you to develop a skill, meet people, and get chicks. With a real band you have real artistic collaboration.” Coming to America with little more than the second-hand acoustic strapped to his shoulder, busking corners at night with songs of San Juan became his meal ticket and eventually helped pay his way through college. He was the quintessential afroed Latino singer-songwriter with swaying hips and a weeping guitar. Now bald, married with children, and working for The Man, Edgar retains nostalgia for the simple camaraderie that exists between a dislocated Puerto Rican and his instrument. This disconcerting connection to a long lost guitar negates neutrality and undermines the validity of his response.

However, being the only test subject to favor “there” guitar, his feedback is vital to understanding what “there” guitar enthusiasts perceive as the benefits of playing physical instruments. Alleged “there” guitar advantages include: artistic expression, musical collaboration, jamming with friends, chicks, groupies, rock and roll, skill, and cool outfits.

What Edgar fails to see through his rose-colored lenses is the multitude of weaknesses inherent to “there” guitar. If prior research existed it would confirm the many “there” guitar disadvantages, namely: actual instruments, additional equipment, practice, practice space, musical talent, musical composition, commitment, unified vision of the band, and, of course, hitting the threshold of your musical ability and becoming painfully aware of the fact that you were never meant to succeed or dream.

The logical person would ask: “Can I somehow reap the benefits of ‘there' guitar without being hassled by the shortcomings?” There is a way. And its name is Air Guitar. (Note: If the only advantage you seek to reap is chicks, then immediately stop reading this, don a pair of too tight jeans, and purchase a guitar. It's the only way to shed your desperate virginity.)

Air Guitar – 9
The nine individuals who correctly guessed the answer that I wanted them to give do not fit a single profile. The following unsubstantiated anecdotal evidence tells us that air guitar is the everyman's homage to the rock-and-roll lifestyle. For example, Rebecca is an all-state tennis and varsity soccer player. Kaivona is a theatre-geek thespian who prefers to sing her conversations. Though at opposite ends of the high school clique continuum, both prefer air guitar because it proves a more subjective talent. Rebecca explains: “You don't need to be talented to be in an air band; you just need fingers.” Kaivona concurs: “You don't have to worry about playing the right notes, because in air guitar you always hit the right notes.”

Any air guitarist can channel musical genius, whereas “there” guitarists are limited by technical skill. Andrew, a twentysomething megalomaniac, is drawn to fact that “with an air guitar, you have the ability to play at a rock star level even as an amateur.” Unfortunately, musical mediocrity is a major cause of quarter-life crises among “there” guitarists who believe that pursuing a musical career is something other than an effort in futility. Air guitar thus appeals to individuals who can settle for nothing less than being the best. Christina, a tween committed to her own success, enjoys the idea that “you could do any song and be awesome at it.”

There is also a practicality to air instruments that appeals to parents. Importantly, there are no ego clashes or taste discrepancies to contend with. Renee, a mother drained by the emotional hurricane of argumentative, hormonal teenagers, recognizes that members of actual bands “become more frustrated in attempting to write a song because of conflicting beliefs about the music.” Air guitar and air bands resolve this dilemma because they “don't have requirements like lyrics or musical creativity.” Cathy, a self-employed mother of four, sees the financial gain to be had by pursuing air guitar: “Airness is a much more affordable and portable talent. All you need are the moves. Air instruments are cheap, compact, and easy to travel with – which is important given the weight limits on planes nowadays.”

Air guitar's universal appeal also extends to trailblazers, avant-garde rockers, and self-reinventers. These “fringe” members of society look to the uncharted territory of airness for the next adventure. Alicia, who aims to become the youngest half-Puerto Rican female president (if not the first) wisely points out: “There is something to be said about the pioneers of change. George Washington. Neil Armstrong. Michael Jackson. If you join a rock band, you'll always be compared to your predecessors, but if you become the first air guitarist to go platinum, you'll live forever.” Jim, a party animal suppressed by middle age, a mortgage, and the suburbs, appreciates that “air guitar and air bands are for those who may lack musical talent but love sex, drugs, and rock and roll.” Daniel, a teenage boy trying to repress memories of past drag shows forced upon him by three sisters, points out that air guitar is “one of those activities where you can have fun without caring what you look like because everyone looks ridiculous.”

Though this research only utilized a small sample size and collected responses based on an unethical and slightly racist protocol, the data is indisputable. Of these 10 individuals, nine advised the pursuit of a talent that can be honed anywhere and at any time. Only one outlier, whose response could technically be discounted, dissented. Air guitar is the future of fledgling rock-and-rollers who lack the skill or the wherewithal to play an actual instrument, find the time to practice, or compose new material. Air guitar wraps heavy burdens like talent, commitment, and originality into an invisible package that makes them light as air. It is rock and roll without all the fuss. An air guitarist may never play a riff as sweet as Slash, but he can rival the entire Guns n' Roses crew on elements of style, thrash, substance abuse, and general rockability. If you have been persuaded by the overwhelming advantages of airness, I will be holding auditions for my air band, Invisible Noise. Practices will be held only sporadically after midnight in a dive bar when a decent song happens to play on the jukebox.