o Whom It May Concern:

Please accept my application for Senior Director of Hospital Fundraising listed in the newspaper. While I lack previous experience working in the health care sector, I am confident that my previous 25 years of incarceration at Lewisburg Penitentiary has well equipped me with the essential skills needed to be a successful fundraising director.

I am extremely detail oriented, motivated, and an excellent manager. For 15 years prior to my time in the clink, I personally operated a highly successful multimillion-dollar drug ring out of my Miami-based high rise. With each fiscal year, my business saw record earnings, which I attribute to my shrewd business tactics and savvy management style.

During my tenure, I learned to effectively deal with high employee turnover, as my business lost 32 percent of its work force in the first five years to death, imprisonment, and corporate headhunting. Before my prosecution, I was able to orchestrate a highly lucrative corporate merger with a New York-based human-trafficking ring. I felt that vertical integration was the best choice to keep my business competitive during the fluctuating market trends of the late 1970s. Though I resigned as CEO upon my sentencing, I currently serve as a consultant. I am certain that with my guidance, this big business that started merely as a big dream will continue to earn record profits.

My time in confinement truly attests to my fundraising capabilities. Even from the pen, I was able to give over 300 mobsters, pimps, and hitmen the shakedown and secure over a quarter of a million dollars that I funneled into a charity very dear to my heart, Boob Jobs for Bitches. I cofounded Boob Jobs for Bitches, and I am very proud to say that we have helped women from all street corners of life gain the self-confidence they need to be highly productive members of the trick-turning industry. I am positive that I can garner the same results for your hospital.

I would also like to note that while I have no previous experience working in the health care industry, I have, however, witnessed numerous beatings and homicides. In fact, when my homeboy Lefty (named for his lack of a left testicle) was capped in the thigh during an incident of police brutality, I successfully removed all three rounds with nothing but a broken crack pipe and a pair of needle-nose pliers. This truly demonstrates both my resourcefulness and my deep understanding of the important role that health care providers play.

Please look over my enclosed resumé. If you have any questions, I would be happy to meet with you in person to discuss further my qualifications.

Warmest regards,

John “Smackdown” Robinson