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ood evening, I'm Colin Jones filling in for Carol Goldstein.

In our top story this evening, Carol Goldstein is dead. Goldstein, a 15-year JUST NEWS correspondent and altogether ball-busting feminist liberal died after she was trampled to death in Houston , Texas.

Here with more on this story is JUST NEWS Reporter, Bridget Peterson.

"Thanks Colin. I'm here with my four beautiful kids in Houston , Texas where JUST NEWS correspondent Carol Goldstein was trampled to death under the foot of God. Wave to the camera darlings."

"Goldstein was sent on assignment here in God's country to report on the 5th-annual Christ!, I Love Jesus Rally where I was here in attendance with my little angels Matthew, Mark, Luke, and Johanna."

"Now I also have here with me Pastor Joseph Mitchell of Armageddon Baptist Church in Albuquerque . He was apparently standing next to Goldstein when she became entangled in the cord of a 40-foot balloon depicting a pregnant Mary holding a sign that reads "Fetus Friendly." Pastor, can you tell me about what you saw?"

"Well, I was standing next to Ms. Goldstein when a bout of wind blew Mary down toward us. Well I guess the slack in the cord got caught under Ms. Goldstein's arm and before you could say Jehovah, she was flung a good 30 feet in air and dropped into the Missionary Mosh Pit."

"Sounds like a real Mutha, no pun intended. Now did you see what happened to her once she was dropped into the mosh pit?"

"I didn't, but a couple of kids from my youth group said that she was apparently mistaken for one of the many synthetic demons we put in the pit for the kids to stomp on."

"It sounds like a good time for the kids."

"Oh it is, we get the demons from Jerry Wilkinson, a member of my church. He used to operate a meth lab before he came to know the Lord, he's really great at mixing up chemicals and stuff like that."

"Now Pastor, tell me, do you think that God exacted some sort of vengeance on Goldstein because her people killed Jesus, or perhaps because she was a fur-trading lesbian on regular look out for top-notch beaver pelt?”

"Well it's hard telling. God may have wanted to snub her out for any number of reasons, but being a lesbian is as good as any other reason I could think of. God ain't too fond of the Birkenstocks, if you know what I mean."

"It appears that it is judgment day for Carol, reporting for JUST NEWS, I'm Bridget Peterson. Back to you Colin."

Thanks Bridget for that just and unbiased report. Goldstein leaves behind her partner of 14 years, Susan Fields and her three cats that she pathetically called her children. Her funeral service will be held Saturday at her home in Brooklyn . A seashell-waiving dyke will preside over the service.

In other news, the numbers are back from last Thursday's JUST NEWS online poll when we asked our viewers Christ or Anti-Christ, whose side are you on? Overwhelmingly, 98 percent of you said that you want to be on the side of Christ.

When JUST NEWS returns, I'll have an exclusive interview with self- proclaimed liberal, Margaret Lewis. I'll ask her why the left sides with the devil on all sorts of political issues.

I'm Colin Jones, JUST NEWS, just and unbiased.