ood evening, I'm Colin Jones filling in for Carol Goldstein.

In our top story this evening, Carol Goldstein is dead. Goldstein, a 15-year JUST NEWS correspondent and altogether ball-busting feminist liberal died after she was trampled to death in Houston , Texas.

Here with more on this story is JUST NEWS Reporter, Bridget Peterson.

"Thanks Colin. I'm here with my four beautiful kids in Houston , Texas where JUST NEWS correspondent Carol Goldstein was trampled to death under the foot of God. Wave to the camera darlings."

"Goldstein was sent on assignment here in God's country to report on the 5th-annual Christ!, I Love Jesus Rally where I was here in attendance with my little angels Matthew, Mark, Luke, and Johanna."

"Now I also have here with me Pastor Joseph Mitchell of Armageddon Baptist Church in Albuquerque . He was apparently standing next to Goldstein when she became entangled in the cord of a 40-foot balloon depicting a pregnant Mary holding a sign that reads "Fetus Friendly." Pastor, can you tell me about what you saw?"

"Well, I was standing next to Ms. Goldstein when a bout of wind blew Mary down toward us. Well I guess the slack in the cord got caught under Ms. Goldstein's arm and before you could say Jehovah, she was flung a good 30 feet in air and dropped into the Missionary Mosh Pit."

"Sounds like a real Mutha, no pun intended. Now did you see what happened to her once she was dropped into the mosh pit?"

"I didn't, but a couple of kids from my youth group said that she was apparently mistaken for one of the many synthetic demons we put in the pit for the kids to stomp on."

"It sounds like a good time for the kids."

"Oh it is, we get the demons from Jerry Wilkinson, a member of my church. He used to operate a meth lab before he came to know the Lord, he's really great at mixing up chemicals and stuff like that."

"Now Pastor, tell me, do you think that God exacted some sort of vengeance on Goldstein because her people killed Jesus, or perhaps because she was a fur-trading lesbian on regular look out for top-notch beaver pelt?”

"Well it's hard telling. God may have wanted to snub her out for any number of reasons, but being a lesbian is as good as any other reason I could think of. God ain't too fond of the Birkenstocks, if you know what I mean."

"It appears that it is judgment day for Carol, reporting for JUST NEWS, I'm Bridget Peterson. Back to you Colin."

Thanks Bridget for that just and unbiased report. Goldstein leaves behind her partner of 14 years, Susan Fields and her three cats that she pathetically called her children. Her funeral service will be held Saturday at her home in Brooklyn . A seashell-waiving dyke will preside over the service.

In other news, the numbers are back from last Thursday's JUST NEWS online poll when we asked our viewers Christ or Anti-Christ, whose side are you on? Overwhelmingly, 98 percent of you said that you want to be on the side of Christ.

When JUST NEWS returns, I'll have an exclusive interview with self- proclaimed liberal, Margaret Lewis. I'll ask her why the left sides with the devil on all sorts of political issues.

I'm Colin Jones, JUST NEWS, just and unbiased.

i, I'm Wilford Brimley, and I want to talk to you about retirement. It's something that we will all one day do, and shouldn't it be enjoyable?

Here at Sunsets & Memories Retirement Village , we have all of the amenities a person with your lifestyle desires. We want your stay with us to be both pleasurable and gratifying, and we know that only we can provide the facilities that you crave. That's why we at Sunsets & Memories are certain that we alone can provide you with the attention you deserve.

Sunsets & Memories is not your average retirement home; you won't find arts and crafts and boring games of Bingo in our activity room. Instead, we offer a tremendous variety of activities such as binding, spanking, and whipping that you can only find here at S&M.

Average retirement facilities believe that defecating oneself is a nuisance and a problem, but not at S&M. We encourage each and every one of our patients to shit their pants as to derive pleasure from the humiliation of sitting in one's own squishy feces. At other facilities, you may be bitch-slapped by an insubordinate medical assistant for crapping your pants, but at S&M, we can ensure that you will receive a quality pummeling by both our staff and your peers.

Now we know what you're thinking. What if I break a hip during one of these beatings? Rest assured, we will be right by your side to celebrate every milestone, large and small, that you endure while staying here at S&M. There is nothing we love more than the sound of a shattering pelvis.

Now, we know this all sounds too amazing to be possibly true. Well, don't take my word for it; listen to George Stephenson, a five-year resident of S&M Retirement Home.

I moved to S&M back in the summer of 2000, and it was the best decision I've ever made. The first night I was here, they were holding their 17th annual strangulation orgy. Well, I throttled poor Hank over in 203 so hard he nearly lapsed into a coma. Ever since then, I knew this was the place for me. I looked at nearly a dozen other retirement homes, but none of them had the complimentary ball gags and handcuffs that S&M provides. Plus, S&M has a wonderful roommate pairing system that matches each sadist with a masochist. But, I gotta run. Sylvia and I are going to go get our chodes pierced in the salon.

If you're like George, you'll want to take complete advantage of our full-service salon, Slash & Burn. We offer a full range of services from nipple, labia and scrotum piercings to our exclusive hot oil treatments, during which one of our qualified technicians slowly pours boiling baby oil on a body part of your choice. And of course, all of these services come free of charge when you become a resident of Sunsets & Memories Retirement Village.

Now I want to get back to the roommate matching service that George mentioned earlier. Here at S&M, we force you (because we know that's what you like) to fill out a 30-page questionnaire detailing your turn-ons. We want to find out what really gets you hot. We then take your answers from the questionnaire, devised by our staff psychologist Dr. Peter Grim, and match you with a resident that shares your interests.

Let's take a moment to hear from one of our satisfied residents.

My name is Gert, and I was matched with Betty three years ago. I'm the bitch, and Betty wears the leather in our little family. Betty and I do everything together, from whipping to biting. One of my primary concerns after my husband died was that I no longer had anyone to bloody my lip. Betty has done a superb job. She's split my lip with everything from a broken beer bottle to a roll of quarters wrapped in a Depends. I've become completely reliant on the love I get from Betty. Thank you, S&M.

Wow, Gert, that's a beautiful story.

If you thought retirement would be the end of your days of sleep deprivation and suffering, you have options. You have Sunset & Memories Retirement Village.

Call the toll-free number you see at the bottom of your screen for a free video and brochure about all of the amenities S&M has to offer. In our 30-minute video, you'll see our whipping post, along with our happy residents being pricked with needles while locked in the stocks naked. You'll also see our luxurious state-of-the-art dungeon. Call today.

We know you have alternatives when choosing a retirement home, but we hope you choose Sunsets & Memories Retirement Village.

For S&M, I'm Wilford Brimley.