March 06, 2008

What Color Is My Parachute?
by Katie Matus

fter spending the last six of my 28 years trying to figure out what to do with my life, I've come to the surprisingly depressing conclusion that I can do anything I set my mind to. The real problem here is that I'm unable to set my mind to anything for very long.

Yes, much like a young child flitting from guitar lessons to soccer camp, or your crazy aunt getting totally into Reiki and then free form, organic textile production, I tend to change my mind a lot.

2001 – I'm going to be an artist! Fresh out of college with a valuable degree in painting, I am completely prepared to support myself. Taking a part-time job selling Israeli art for the home, I feel totally immersed in the art world.

2003 – Having amassed a good deal of credit card debt in the previous two years, I realize the time has come for a full-time job. What better job for me than fundraising at an agricultural nonprofit? I don't know anything about farming or fundraising, but I bet I'll make crazy money.

2004 – Fundraising isn't fun, and farmers are depressing. I should totally write and illustrate children's books! A combination of art and writing is the perfect thing for me.

2005 – After producing three books, but before getting a chance to call publishers, I get distracted when I'm approached to record the narration for a documentary about the quarter-life crisis phenomenon.

2006 – With a documentary and a few public service announcements under my belt, I feel I've left my mark on the voice-over world and turn my attention to developing my crocheted hat business.

2007 – Taking into consideration the price of yarn and the time spent making them, my hats cost around each and don't sell well. I know, I'll work at another agricultural nonprofit!

2008 – I realize once again that maybe the farming scene just isn't for me. I contemplate careers in nutrition, graphic design, culinary arts, refrigeration, computer aided drafting, elementary education, exotic dance, erotic massage, and Reiki.

I've consulted professionals (one professional), read books (two chapters of a book), and searched my soul (scanned it briefly), but I can't for the life of me figure out what path I should take.

I'm just going to come right out and say it: I blame the feminist movement for putting me in this position. I would have been perfectly happy popping out a few babies and cooking pot roast for an unappreciative husband while I lamented the life I could have led and all of the wonderful things I could have done.

As it is now, I've got no excuses.

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February 18, 2008

Conversations with Semidrunk Pseudointellectuals:
The Democratic Primary Edition
by Corinne Bilyeu and Lizzie Maratea

orinne: So Lizzie, what do you think now that Obama has overtaken Hillary in the primaries, you Clinton supporter?

Lizzie: Come again?

Corinne: Uh, yeah, biotch. He's on his way to the White House.

Lizzie: Corinne, you spend more time scouring MySpace than even skimming the Drudge Report. Do you even know why you like Obama?

Corinne: Sure, lots of reasons. Do you have any reason for liking Hillary other than she went to your high school a million years ago?

Lizzie: Game on, betch. “It Takes a Village” vs. “The Audacity of Hope.” Go.

Corinne: Having read neither, I will approach this solely by the titles. “Audacity” has the most syllables of all the words. Score one for Obama. And he won a Grammy, over Hillary.

Lizzie: So he has a more soulful R&B voice. Hillary speaks with the voice of the people. It takes a village to find anyone who understands the word “audacity.” He's pompous. Score one for Hillary.

Corinne: What about her autobiography that was a thousand pages long, dry as a bone, and didn't mention the “Monica Gate” scandal once – the only reason anyone wanted to read it?

Lizzie: Mentioning bone and Monica in the same sentence? Why not just come out and say that's the only reason you picked it up, perv?

Corinne: I never touched the thing. But while we're on the subject, how can you support a woman who put up with her husband getting extramarital BJs? Point Barack!

Lizzie: Beejay-schmeejay. Hillary allowed the situation to give the country a better grasp of the dynamics of the word “is.” She's a bibliophile. Besides, if it had been Obama, his crazy wife would have put out one of his cigarettes on his arm. Point Hillary!

Corinne: Crazy? Would you rather have Bill as your First Lady?

Lizzie: I'd take Bill as my first anything.

Corinne: Whore. So far Barack and Quivering Eyebrow are tied two to two .

Lizzie: What about the fact that Hillary is for universal health care?

Corinne: I'm sure Barack wants good health care for everyone, too.

Lizzie: Are you?

Corinne: Um, sure. He's said it a million times in his amazing speeches. He's the single most inspirational political candidate I've ever seen at a podium. So much better than Hillary's robot voice.

Lizzie: I'll concede that the BBC, which reports more substantively on American politics than America , observed that Barack supporters vote out of a sense of inspiration while Hillary supporters vote out of a sense of obligation.

But the “galvanized youth” will learn that political inspiration fades and disillusionment sets in quickly. Why not vote for Hillary, who has a realistic vision on which she can deliver? Score one more for Hillary.

Corinne: So what? Obama's dad is from Kenya . You know how much political cred he'll have with other nations' leaders? It's well documented that foreign people like other foreign people. Score one from the Russian judge.

Lizzie: Right, like Israelis and Palestinians? With that line of thinking, we'll end up with Vice President Bono and Secretary of State Angelina Jolie. Then we'd have streets with no names filled with East Asian babies.

Corinne: It's going to be Vice President Oprah. Get it right. Foreign politics aside, the bottom line is Obama has an enigmatic personality, and all walks of life can relate to him. Hillary's been in the game so long, she's like an emotionless blond political machine covered in Aquanet and tweed.

Lizzie: Emotionless? She put blood, sweat, and tears into her campaign. We nearly saw the tears during the New Hampshire primary. Prove me wrong.

Corinne: All I know is if Barack and Hillary were at the Brew and View watching “Steel Magnolias,” Barack would be grabbing for a Puffs Plus when Sally Field goes on her “my baby's gone” rant, and Hillary would be checking her BlackBerry for poll updates.

Lizzie: That's because Hillary's not gay. Let's get back to some actual issues.

Corinne: Fine. Let's discuss the fact that if either of them becomes president, they'll either be the first female president or the first black president. Does that really matter?

Lizzie: Unfortunately, sexism and racism will still exist no matter who wins. But I think the popularity of their campaigns shows that both issues are being combated. Point for each candidate.

Corinne: Toosh.

Lizzie: What about skills? Bill plays the sax. George Bush (the first one) sky dives for his birthdays. Does either candidate possess a skill that makes him/her relatable and fun?

Corinne: Well, Obama used to smoke, so that's cool. I don't know about Hillary.

Lizzie: I hear she's a mean speed walker. I think that's minus a point each.

Corinne: So that leaves us at a tie at three points each. How do we decide a winner?

Lizzie: Well, either way, everyone wins now that the Bush dynasty is coming to an end.

Corinne: Cheers to that. More sauvignon blanc?

Lizzie: Absolutely.

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